A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please." The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.

The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him. The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!" To which the guy responds, "Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

A man walked into a bar and immediately called out, "Who is the owner of that Saint Bernard tied up outside?" A man replied, "It's mine. Why do you ask?" The first man walked up to him and said, "I'm sorry, but my dog just killed your dog." The owner of the Saint Bernard was shocked, "Are you kidding me?! That dog is huge! He's bigger than my car!" The first guy explained, "Well, he choked on my Chihuahua

Rejected Hall Mark Cards

1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look on the bright side, it's really good pay.

2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat.  Sorry!

3. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends. Here's a bouquet of flowers ... and a box of Depends.

4. Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be.   But don't fret about it ... She moved in with me.

5. Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder ...What the hell was I thinking?

6. Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.

7. How could two people as beautiful as you... Have such an ugly baby?

8. I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you ... I've changed my mind.

9. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life... I never believed in Hell till I met you.

10. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... that you're not here to ruin it for me.

11. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go... would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.

12. Someday I hope to get married... but not to you.

13. Happy birthday! You look great for your age? Almost Lifelike!

14. When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

15. I knew one day you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.

16. We have been friends for a very long time... what say we stop?

17. I'm so miserable without you... it's almost like you're here.

18. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?

19. You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

20. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Arkansas and Tennessee)

There was a case in one hospital's intensive care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning at about 11 AM, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors, and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 AM on Sundays. So a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 AM, all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday janitor, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

10. I need to whip it out by 5.

9. Mind if I use your laptop?

8. Just stick it in my box.

7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!

6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!

5. HMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid!

4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.

3. It's an entry level position.

2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

And the #1 thing that sounds dirty, but at the office isn't:

1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge.

8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffiest one he could.

And the #1 thing that sounds dirty, but in law isn't:

1. Think you can get me off?

10. Damn, my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

2. Nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.

And the #1 thing that sounds dirty, but in golf isn't:

1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first.

What a difference 30 years makes....

1972: Long hair

2002: Longing for hair

1972: The perfect high

2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1972: KEG

2002: EKG

1972: Acid rock

2002: Acid reflux

1972: Moving to California because it's cool

2002: Moving to California because it's warm

1972: Growing pot

2002: Growing pot belly

1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1972: Seeds and stems

2002: Roughage

1972: Popping pills, smoking joints

2002: Popping joints

1972: Killer weed

2002: Weed killer

1972: Hoping for a BMW

2002: Hoping for a BM

1972: The Grateful Dead

2002: Dr. Kevorkian

1972: Going to a new, hip joint

2002: Receiving a new hip joint

1972: Rolling Stones

2002: Kidney Stones

1972: Being called into the principal's office

2002: Calling the principal's office

1972: Screw the system

2002: Upgrade the system

1972: Disco

2002: Costco

1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut

2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1972: Taking acid

2002: Taking antacid

1972: Passing the drivers' test

2002: Passing the vision test

1972: Whatever

2002: Depends

A College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen.

Here's this year's list: The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in1983.

1- They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

2- Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

3- Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic!

4- The CD was introduced the year they were born.

5- They have always had an answering machine.

6- They have always had cable.

7- They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

8- Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

9- Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

10- They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

11- They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

12- They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

13- They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a

Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane".

14- They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

15- Michael Jackson has always been white.

16- McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

17- They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies in

your life.

Jose was 35 and desperate to meet an attractive Latina he could date and maybe marry. After trying unsuccessfully to meet a nice attractive woman at a bar or club...his friend suggested he try the Internet. Afterall his friend had luck meeting women that way and his only warning was " be direct and state exactly what you are looking for...no more, no less".

Taking his friends advice he decided to place an ad with a dating service stating exactly what he wanted " Latino seeking sensual Latina."

He got a response from girl # 2259 with her address and directions to pick her up on Friday night at 8:00 pm for a date. When he arrives at her door, he finds that she is indeed sensual . . . . but he notices that she is black. Figuring she must be Dominicana or Cubana, he starts to speak Spanish to her...... "Como esta usted senorita?" With attitude the girl replied..."oh helllllllll no, you must be trippin!!!!" Confused and startled Jose asks the woman "Don't you speak Spanish???" The woman shocked, replied... "Why the hellllll would I speak Spanish???" Embarrassed, Jose carefully explains that while she is very attractive there must be a mistake because his ad clearly stated he was "seeking sensual Latina" The woman enraged with Jose says..." Fool you better recognize!!!! You got what you wanted !!!! My momma is LaShonda... My sister is LaQuisha... and I am LaTINA!!!!

How do these folks survive?

_______________________________________

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets", said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of months ago: I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me "Do you know how much this is?" and I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today". She said "OK" and I paid her for the

things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.....

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries it's a long walk.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier

machine paper," the secretary told her. With that,the intern took her last remaining blank

piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an

extra in "Twister". I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had

set the cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

Looking Back............

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But instead of going home,

he stayed out the entire weekend, hunting with the boys and spending

his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he

was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly 2

hours with a tirade about his actions. Finally his wife stopped the

nagging and simply said to him "How would you like it if you didn't see me for 2 or 3 days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went and he didn't see her. On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

WEIRD THINGS U'D NEVER KNOW

Butterflies taste with their feet.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the

world's nuclear weapons combined.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived

immigrants.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

It's possible to lead a cow upstairs ... but not downstairs.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year

because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the

weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

A snail can sleep for three years..

No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears

never stop growing. SCARY!!!

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

All polar bears are left-handed.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies,

including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only

on one row of the keyboard.

"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She

would stand seven feet, two inches tall..

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow.

Don't forget to pass these weird facts on to everyone you know.

They will get a kick out of it !!

You tried to lick your elbow, didn't you?

DRESS CODE:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers &carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:

All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year.

The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your shareof the work is done enough.

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is

your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on.

If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employee's supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm

will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.

After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

LUNCH BREAK:

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere!

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her

pending divorce, and asked, " What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little

home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of

this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she

responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town,

and so do my husband's parent s."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport

and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any

infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets.

We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he

gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady,

why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've

never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with Me!!

TEACHER: John, how do you spell

"crocodile?"

JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

*************

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?

SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

*************

TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WILLIE: Me!

*************

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?

TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

*************

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."

ELLEN: I is...

TEACHER: No, Ellen.... Always say, "I am."

ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

*************

TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"

JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

*************

TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's

cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"

JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."

*************

TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SAM: No sir, I don't have to,. . .my Mom is a good cook.

*************

TEACHER: Morris, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the

same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

*************

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

PUPIL: A teacher.

An old man lived alone in New Mexico. He wanted to spade his chili garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Francisco, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Oye Francisco, I feeling pretty bat cuz I do not think I will be able to plant my chili gardenz this year. I just getting too viejo to dig a garden, but if you waz here, all mi problemas wood be over.

I know you wood dig the plot for me. Siempre, tu poppy

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Poppy,

Por favor, no, don't dig up the garden, that's where I buried the BODIES! Love, Francisco

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Poppy,

Go ahead and plant the chilis now. Its the best I could do.

Love, Francisco.

IN-LAWS

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

**********************************************************

COFFEE

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you

should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.... "HEBREWS"

*******************************************************

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

*******************************************************

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to

come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."

*******************************************************

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

*******************************************************MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it? The rest of the story gets rather ugly so I'll stop right here.

*******************************************************

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she. (Of course . . . I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton :-)

*******************************************************

WORDS PER DAY

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

*******************************************************

BEAUTIFUL AND STUPID

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be

attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

A Handy Little Chart

It is easy to get discouraged when things are going bad, but we shouldn't lose heart, because God is at work in our lives even in the midst of pain and suffering. Remember, next time your little hut is burning to the ground it just may be a smoke signal that summons the grace of God. For all the negative things we have to say to ourselves, God has a positive answer for it:

You say: "It's impossible"

God says: All things are possible (Luke 18:27)

You say: "I'm too tired"

God says: I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28-30)

You say: "Nobody really loves me"

God says: I love you (John 3:16 & John 3:34)

You say: "I can't go on"

God says: My grace is sufficient (II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15)

You say: "I can't figure things out"

God says: I will direct your steps (Proverbs 3:5-6)

You say: "I can't do it"

God says: You can do all things (Philippians 4:13)

You say: "I'm not able"

God says: I am able (II Corinthians 9:8)

You say: "It's not worth it"

God says: It will be worth it (Roman 8:28)

You say: "I can't forgive myself"

God says: I Forgive you (I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)

You say: "I can't manage"

God says: I will supply all your needs (Philippians 4:19)

You say: "I'm afraid"

God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear (II Timothy 1:7)

You say: "I'm always worried and frustrated"

God says: Cast all your cares on ME (I Peter 5:7)

You say: "I don't have enough faith"

God says: I've given everyone a measure of faith (Romans 12:3)

You say: "I'm not smart enough"

God says: I give you wisdom (I Corinthians 1:30)

You say: "I feel all alone"

God says: I will never leave you or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5)

Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"....and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Coca-Cola was originally green.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The youngest pope was 11 years old.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great

king from history:

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander, the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar

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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both

front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the

horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result

of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs

on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

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Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on

July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the

rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added

until 5 years later.

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Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace

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Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most

popular boat name requested?

A. Obsession

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Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you

have to go until you would find the letter "A"?

A. One thousand

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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield

wipers, and laser printers all have in common?

A. All invented by women.

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Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey

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Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other

day of the year?

A. Father's Day

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In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secur ed on bed

frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress

tightening the matress making the bed firmer to sleep on.

Hence the phrase:

"goodnight, sleep tight."

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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago

that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honeymonth...which we know today as the honeymoon.

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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts.. So in old England when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their Elbow.

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying; they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then they decided to skip the test and then afterwards explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back, had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day.

The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam

He placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem, worth five points. Cool, they thought!

Each one in separate rooms thought this is going to be easy.

Then they each turned the page. On the second page was written:

For 95 points: WHICH TIRE?????

Take E-mail with a grain of salt

An E-mail I got recently was on a par with a message that periodically

makes the rounds warning that blacks will lose the right to vote in 2007.

This latest message came from a well-intended friend, warning that ESPN was pulling scholarships to Hampton University because of a lack of applicants.

Of course, if you have a child or have friends with children who are

trying to figure out how to make it to college, you take that warning very seriously - and perhaps forward it on.

The problem is this: That panicky message was first sent out over the Internet about two years ago. It was wrong then. It is still wrong. Like

the old computer-age adage, "Garbage in, garbage out," this is a case of

bad information being entered into cyberspace and people, believing it,

and naively passing it along.

Those who generate these messages, often as pranks, "play on our real

fears about the world, our real expectations about how people are treating us. It plays on our desire to be activists if only by hitting 'forward'," says computer whiz Omar Wasow, the executive director of the Internet company BlackPlanet.com.

Yes, even as blacks mark so many accomplishments since the civil rights movement began in earnest in the '50s, there is still uneasiness that

blacks are particularly gullible to apocalyptic and conspiratorial

messages on the Internet. Of course, blacks are not the only victims of

E-mail misinformation, but, for some reason, they seem particularly

vulnerable.

"The Internet is a wonderful thing, but it can be dangerous," says Chris

LaPlaca, an ESPN spokesman.

I generally delete messages forwarded to me without even reading them; but sometimes, if intrigued, as I was with the Hampton notice, I check it out. I found nothing on Hampton's Web site. I called Hampton and heard from a public relations person after I'd already ascertained from ESPN that the message was bogus. My sister, who'd also received the message, had alreadyconcluded that there was something fishy about it: There was no information about qualifications for the scholarship or deadlines.

Moreover, it occurred to me that the latest recycling made no sense

time-wise: My research revealed that the ESPN program with Hampton, begun five years ago, is for a summer internship and a $10,000 scholarship the following fall. Hello, fellow cyberspace cadets! Isn't the summer, when this E-mail message sprung up again, a bit late to be recruiting students for a summer internship? A couple of years ago, ESPN discussed expanding the scholarship program with Hampton - selected originally because an ESPN executive was connected to that Virginia school - to all historically black colleges and universities.

"It was not about canceling; it was about maximizing this opportunity," LaPlaca says. But an overeager alumnus heard otherwise and sent out the infamous message that keeps rearing its head despite ESPN's efforts to set the record straight.